I have to be honest the past few months have been dark for me. I've tried so hard to put on a brave face but honestly its getting harder and harder each day. So much has happened this year and most of it not great and defiantly not happy.
Every time I think it's my time to be happy, I get that feeling that I don't deserve it, and every time without fail I ruin it. Not always on purpose but sometimes I just cannot help it.
I've tried so hard to be selfish and put myself first but honestly I've never been good at that. I care about others to much... and when I try I just feel emptiness and darkness come over me. I guess the depression really has got hold of me now.
This time of year, every year I used to look forward to it. Christmas with my family. But this year my family is a fraction of the size and nothing feels happy or festive.
I have such great friends and a close family but I guess at the end of it sometimes its not enough.
Missing someone and no being able to talk to the one person who means the most to you is the hardest thing possible. I hope that no one ever has to go what I have gone through.
I guess what I'm trying to say is; Just because I have a smile on my face it doesn't mean I'm smiling on the inside.
I cannot wait to turn my back on 2017 and start a fresh in 2018. Hopefully happiness is waiting for me. Just ... Maybe...
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