Saturday, 23 December 2017

We only accept the love, we think we deserve.

I have to be honest the past few months have been dark for me. I've tried so hard to put on a brave face but honestly its getting harder and harder each day. So much has happened this year and most of it not great and defiantly not happy.

Every time I think it's my time to be happy, I get that feeling that I don't deserve it, and every time without fail I ruin it. Not always on purpose but sometimes I just cannot help it.

I've tried so hard to be selfish and put myself first but honestly I've never been good at that. I care about others to much... and when I try I just feel emptiness and darkness come over me. I guess the depression really has got hold of me now.

This time of year, every year I used to look forward to it. Christmas with my family. But this year my family is a fraction of the size and nothing feels happy or festive.

I have such great friends and a close family but I guess at the end of it sometimes its not enough.

Missing someone and no being able to talk to the one person who means the most to you is the hardest thing possible. I hope that no one ever has to go what I have gone through.

I guess what I'm trying to say is; Just because I have a smile on my face it doesn't mean I'm smiling on the inside.

I cannot wait to turn my back on 2017 and start a fresh in 2018. Hopefully happiness is waiting for me. Just ... Maybe...

Sunday, 24 September 2017

An open letter to Ashley

I'm not angry. I'm not disappointed. I'm not sad. I'm broken.

When you died apart of me went too.

All those missed opportunities. Those silly little arguments that meant nothing. Those times that I said no to hanging our with you. All gone.

Knowing that in this life time I won't see you again is heart breaking. Everything reminds me of you. I can't go in your room. It still smells of you. Everytime I hear the squeak of your door I hope just a little.

I try so hard Ash to stay positive but sometimes it's just so hard. I can hear you say get a fucking grip. But sometimes it's just to hard.

I took you for granted. We all do it. Everyday. We don't mean to. You don't realise how much you depend on someone, how much you need someone until they are gone.

4 months have past and it's really not got easier. That night is still fresh in my mind. I'm trying Ash, even got myself a counsellor. But you're still not here.

I'm sorry I haven't been to visit you yet. At your grave. But that's not how I want to remember you. Soon I will, I will bring the dogs. They miss you a lot.

Just remember Ash. I love you. Always and forever. Rest easy little brother. Until we meet again.

Monday, 28 August 2017

For my family and my friends -- Thank You

I started this year with a clear mind. A plan to make everything work out for me. I had a job, got promoted, planned on heading to university in September. That was 8 months ago, a lot has happened in those 8 months. 

  • Had a boyfriend 
  • Ended the relationship
  • Failed driving test
  • Got several tattoos
  • Applied for university
  • Joined slimming world 
  • Withdrew application
  • Quit slimming world  
  • Applied for a teaching agency 
  • Ashley passed away 
  • 2 months off of work 
  • Rejoined slimming world 
  • I quit my job 
  • 2 interviews 
  • Applied for camp America 2018 
  • Reapplied for university for September 2018 
  • Booked driving test 
If this year has taught me anything its to keep going forward no matter what this shit show of a life throws at you. Things always get hard and they my never seem like they will never get better, but it does. It really does. 

I've learnt that I have some amazing family and friends. They keep me going and make me stronger. And they let me be angry and upset and happy and sad all at the same time. So this blog post is for them and for me. To thank them for caring about me and giving a shit even when I couldn't

For keeping me going when I saw no light.
For being my rock when I crumpled. 
For encouraging me to keep going. 

I love you all 


Thursday, 29 June 2017

Living with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome

I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 14, I hadn't had a period in over a year and I began to get concerned. So, I made an appointment with my doctor, she sent me off for an ultrasound scan and blood tests. When I came back for my follow up appointment I was told that I had PCOS. She explained what it was but I didn't really understand much and went about my life as normal. Thinking it was great that I didn't have periods.

It wasn't until I was at university that I discovered the true extent of what living with PCOS meant. Okay, I didn't have periods but I did have the side effects of them, all minus the bleeding. I have bad back ache, severe cramps that would have me crying, I felt ill and had awful mood swings. PCOS also meant my chance of ever becoming pregnant was rather low, I have a 10% chance of conceiving children naturally. I have heard all the stories before of people with PCOS having children naturally, but I have other complications which means the likelihood is a lot lower. Now I was told when I was 14 these statistics and I have had 8 nearly 9 years to process this information. And although sometimes it gets be down, I know there are plenty of children out there that need adopting so when the time is right I think that is the route I will take.

Away, what is PCOS? Other than standing for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, it is not actually cysts on the ovaries. Confusing I know! I used the NHS website to help me explain what PCOS, there definition is :

'Polycystic ovaries contain a large number of harmless follicles that are up to 8mm in size. The follicles are under-developed sacs in which eggs develop. In PCOS, these sacs are often unable to release an egg, which means that ovulation doesn't take place.'

Meaning that the sacs in which the egg normally lives (as it were) is undeveloped and does not contain an egg, meaning an egg is not released and a period does not occur. Although the cause of PCOS is un known it is believed to run in families. It is related to a hormone in-balance within the body.
It is estimated that 1 in 5 women in the UK has PCOS, but it varies in severity.
Signs and symptoms
  • irregular periods or none at all
  • difficulty getting pregnant
  • excess hair 
  • thinning hair 
  • weight gain or trouble losing weight
Basically its a massive shit storm and is horrible. Although there is no treatment for it there are some ways of controlling it. I myself were prescribed several different hormone tablets and treatments. But the extra hormones that was used to combat the extra testosterone but the hormone treatments made be depressed caused me to gain weight and fucked me up more. I stopped the treatments and felt a lot better. 

Its been over 9 years since I was diagnosed and I still havent had periods but I am hearing more and more stories about women diagnosed with PCOS and still concieving children naturally so I have faith that if I chose to have children I will be able to naturally. But that is a long way in the future. 

This has been a bit of long post with loads of information. I will do a follow up post soon about my experience with diagnosis. But just know ladies you are not alone. If you have any questions drop me a line. 

Bonus picture of my baby... My ferret Trevvor. 

Love Yah 

Tuesday, 27 June 2017

I have more tattoos... still not a thug!

A lot has changed since my first post about my tattoos that by the way you can read here. All of my tattoos tell a story and in the past few weeks they mean more and more. In the first blog I had 4 tattoos I now have 15. Oops. I won't repeat the first 4 as you can read about them in the other post. But lets dive in, I will try and do them in some sort of order.

Tattoo number 5 is an anchor behind my ear. Which is a matching tattoo with my very good friend Chelsey who I shared a house with at university and have a great friendship. Why an anchor? Because I went to university in the Ocean city of England, Plymouth and seemed appropriate. Number 6 is a simple sail boat behind my right ear (sorry no photo), keep on sailing, life is like the ocean, tough and full of bumps and struggles. But it is so important to keep on going, take whatever like throws at you.

Now I know you arent meant to have favourites among your children... but this may be one of my favourites. I love the film Up, and bond I have with my family. It is heart retching but full of love and adventure. It's a wonderful piece and I love it, It's as bright as it was the first day I got it. 

Number 8 and 9 I got on the same day because why the hell not at cute little otter because otters are adorable and well that is the only reason, so no emotional story behind it. The other is a stag, so the geometric side is a stag (male deer) and the realistic side is a doe (female deer) and to be honest I have always wanted a stag, I really like them and also my dad has one and I have always liked it, so i decided to get one haha. This tattoo also influenced me for my next one ha! And the start of a sleeve. 

Number 10 and 11 that;s right this bitch has the Grinch who stole Christmas on her leg. Because I have a love hate relationship with Christmas like he does haha. As some of you maybe aware that my Gran passed away on Christmas day in 2004 when I was 10, so really Christmas has never really been the same again for myself and my family, however I still love the spirit of Christmas so well the Grinch hates it all and comes to love it in the end (sorry spoiler). also for the record the Grinch is awesome. So number 11 is my spirit animal, the sloth. I have always loved sloths always, and I just had to get one, and I couldn't resist getting it in the same style as my stag, so the half geometric and realistic style and I love it.

Number 12 is a little semi-colon I have on my right wrist to symbolise that my story is not over, and that whatever life throws at me I will and can continue.
Number 13 is my most important tattoo, It is the tribute tattoo for my brother who died on the 24th of May 2017 aged 21. Ash loved motorbikes and guitars and known to many of his close friends as Ted, so my wonderful tattooist designed the most perfect tattoo in his honour. 7 hours worth of pain, but totally worth it, it is a master piece. Like myself and Ash it is big, bold and extremely colourful. I carry apart of him with me where ever I go and that means the most. 

Number 14 is simply Ashley's name with his year of birth and death, A little reminded of him whenever I look down, it always makes me smile and look up again. 

Number 15 is Russell because I bloody love Up, and to be honest he always reminded me of my brother. We always joked that he would get Russell tattooed on him, my dad has Mr Fredricksen and I of course have the house... Sadly Ash my brother never got the opportunity to get it done, so of course I got him done. Look at how happy he is there, its like he belongs there. Of course this has now meant that my right leg is turning into a sleeve, and I have many ideas for the rest of the leg. I am really excited to get it finished. A big bold, cartoon leg.

BIG shout out to the wonderful Sophie for being not only my wonderful tattooist but my friend, I always without a shadow of a doubt always have a laugh with Soph and she does an amazing job. We have many more planned so watch this space for another updated one soon.

Love yah

Friday, 23 June 2017

A tribute to my brother. Eulogy

Ashley Martin (Ted) Herring

11/02/1996 – 24/05/2017

On Wednesday the 24th of May at 10pm my life changed. I never thought that it would ever happen, that I open the door to find a police officer standing there, and telling me the worst news he could ever say. I’ve started this speech so many times, never really knowing what to say or how to say it. So fuck it, let’s do an Ashley at get straight to the fucking point.

I had the joys of 21 years with Ashley. It’s safe to say it hasn’t always been smiles and kisses, he knew how to wind me up proper good. But with his stupid smirk of a grin he was easy to forgive. As me and Ash grew up we had an unspoken rule, if we ever argued we were not allowed to stay mad at each other for any more than 2 minutes. It would normally end in us going to Sainsbury’s to buy food we really didn’t need.

Which brings me onto the story of food Tourette’s. Now anyone who knows myself or Ash knew that we were most sarcastic swearing pair of idiots. Who when together were terrible and wound everyone up… Ashley loved to take this to a whole new level, and on behalf of Ashley I would like to apologise to Sainsbury’s and Tescos workers… Ashley invented a game called food Tourette’s, where instead of swearing he would simply start shouting items of foods out loud. This has on several occasions nearly got us kicked out and banned from shops… only for me to turn around and say sorry he doesn’t mean to its his Tourette’s… meanwhile I’m pissing myself laughing and Ashley continues to swear and shout sausage rolls at this poor lady. Ashley was unable to go shopping on his own because I quote ‘people piss me off’.

I honestly have endless amounts of stories about my brother, my best friend. The one that Ashley loved to tell was that of when we were 8 or 9 years old. We had just watched Peter Pan and Ash loved the shadow scene where they fight with swords. So we are sat in his room, I have a pencil for my sword and Ash well he whips out a bloody pen knife. There we are sword fighting, he knocks my pencil out of my hand laughs and I start waving my arms around, he is still jabbing the knife and there it goes, straight into my right forearm where I still have the scar. He of course blames me and laughs. That story still makes me laugh.

On that day, Ashley had a perfect last day. Although he woke up an hour late for work, it means that I got to see him, we joked around had a laugh and I got to say goodbye. Although we didn’t realise it would be our last. He got to work, as usual happy and pissing everyone off. Got to ride his bike to and from work. Got home had eggy bread for dinner and then went back out on his bike. It may be simple but not only did I get to say goodbye, my mum got to see him, my dad got to see him, his favourite work friends worked with him and he was doing what he loved. Without a shadow of a doubt I know Ash died with a smile on his face.

Thank you to Ashley for bringing light into so many people’s lives. For making us smile and laugh even when we shouldn’t have been. For always being there and pushing us to be our best. He pushed me into university I have a degree because of him. For pushing Carl into the police force to Josh motivating him to join the army. For believing in us all when we didn’t think we could do it.
So Ash, my little brother, my best friend. Until we meet again.

Your last words to me
And my last words to you…

See yah later, Cunt 

Monday, 3 April 2017

A little haul.

Payday came and went... therefore I have treated myself to a few little bits and bobs. Enjoy my loves.

I work in a care home, and because the air is very dry and hot most of the time, my skin is getting the brunt of it. It's dry and I am having more break outs than usual. I popped into Superdrug and picked up the Garnier night cream, and the lady working there could not rave about this stuff enough, I picked up both the day and night cream in the Garnier Skin Active Moisture Bomb range, it is supposed to penetrate 5 layers of skin so we shall see. They were on offer, a third off at around £5.30 ish each. So affordable. Also in the same range the tissue masks, I love these things and always buy loads in when they are on offer, at 99p you cannot go wrong,

I popped into Body Shop, I do not tend to buy a lot from Body Shop but this Peach body mist is out of this world, it smells so nice and ideal for Spring time, I have also sprayed this on my pillows because it is so nice. It was on offer for £4, so cheap and a lovely scent. I went into Boots, of course, I have wanted to try the Rimmel Fix and Go 2 in 1 primer and setting spray for a will, I often find my make up wears off a lot around the nose area the most, maybe because I wear glasses and I am forever pushing them up but I thought I'd give this ago. I will let you know how I get on, that was £6.99. I had to repurchase this little angel again, the ARGAN Secret Miracle 10 spray is everything! My hair was in such a bad place before I started using this. I know use it everyday when styling my hair, not only does it do amazing things to my hair it smells amazing too. My hair has never been in a better condition. This is my third bottle in about 8 months, I got my latest bottle from Amazon for £15.91 and it is so worth it. £16 every three months really isn't that bad.

I decided to dye my hair (surprise!!) a darker grey this time round, my hair was previously blue so where the grey is now fading into a lighter grey the blue undertones are making it green and dirty blonde in some places. I love the Colour- Freedom Metallic Glory range, I chose the darkest grey they have which is stone grey. It is not far off black, but where I use head and shoulders itchy scalp every other wash the dye does fade, so I know that it will not be this dark for to long. A usual in Superdrug they were on offer at £7.99 each, buy 1 get 1 half price so of course I brought two. I dyed my hair today using it, and I love it. They do not damage my hair at all, the shea butter and aragn oil really help. The wash in wash out versions of these dyes also by colour freedom are great as well and long lasting.

Finally onto film and books, I had to buy the new Harry Potter and Fantastic Beast and where to find them DVD, I have yet to watch it but aim to watch it with the family tonight. A review will be coming. I also purchased the 4th and 5th series of Grimm as I have nearly finished the first 3 series on Netflix. At only £16 for both series I could not resist. Thanks Amazon Prime haha. A shopping trip with my best friend would not be complete without a stop in Waterstones, we each brought a book and together did the buy 1 get 1 half price deal. We both went for Young Adult books, I chose The Memory Book by Lara Avery, because it reminds me of dementia which is strange I know, but it follows a girl with an illness who begins to forget everything, but she wants to remember... hence the memory book. I hope to start this tonight.

I did buy some new NYX lispticks but I am going to do an individual blogpost about them. I hope you enjoyed this.

Love yah