Fuck it, I'm going to prove myself wrong!

I’m terrified.

I’m terrified of never being truly happy with the way I look. I want to change I do, I try so hard but then something happens or I make up an excuse and I’m back to square one again. I self-sabotage all the time. I know this but yet I keep doing it.

Today I had the day off work, I could have gone for a walk, run or a jog. I could have got my bike out of the shed and gone for a bike ride. Even if it was for half an hour it would have been better than what I actually did. But surprise, surprise I didn’t instead, I got up at noon, ate some cake and proceeded to watch T.V. all afternoon. I did a marathon… of a T.V. series. I’m so lazy and I know that, I really do. I keep trying to lose weight and get healthier but after 3 weeks I get bored, annoyed and angry because I haven’t lost the amount of weight I wanted to. Of course I know that it is a long process but let’s face it, if we could all just press a button to make us look the way we want to we’d all press it. But life is a bitch and that’s not how it works.

I’m scared that if I don’t make the changes now I never will. My weight is already causing problems for me. I was 14 when I was told I have an 80% chance of not having children. I was told then, that if I lost weight that statistic would go down. But did I listen, did I fuck! I carried on the way I was. And my weight has piled on. I’ve tried a lot of things but as soon as small excuse appeared I’d grab it and make it massive. I got ill, I had 3 operations. Now what’s my excuse? I’m tired after work… well Gemma MAN UP!

I need to stop thinking of excuses. I work 4/5 days a week. Always have at least 2 days off work. Work is great, I am more active at work. Running after the kids and eating reasonable meals. But it’s the snacking and picking.

I always have plenty of time to do exercise after or before work but I never do. I either start work at 7am and finish at 3:45pm or start at 3:15pm to 10:30pm… I have plenty of time before or after to do something. I know that if I did 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day I will see a massive difference but once again I can’t be bothered.

But the difference this time is that, I have my family, my friends, a personal trainer and my boyfriend rooting for me. I lack motivation but with each of them supporting me I know I can do it. One step at a time. One pound at a time, with every step I will get there and be healthier. I’ve said it so SOOOO many times that I will change but this time I NEED to do it. I can’t keep slacking. I have a future to prepare for. I have a full time job, a loving partner and the only thing holding me back is my weight! It’s one thing I can control and change so here goes!

I promise… for every pound I lose over the next year I will donate a pound for pound to charity. On the 13^th of November 2016 I will update you all. With weekly updates (every Friday) I will let you know how I go. What I’ve eaten, how I’ve exercised. My highs and lows. Everything.

I hope you can all join me on my journey

Love yah

IsThataRedHerring 

How I deal with anxiety and panic attacks!

1 in 4 people suffer from anxiety! 

This is a ridiculously high statistic! Not only is it alarming but also concerning. How can so many people suffer from anxiety but yet it is still a taboo subject. Those of you who know me personally will know I am very open about my anxieties and have regular panic attacks. I've tried many things to help combat it, anti-depressants made me feel worse and made the attacks harder to deal with and added the stress of restless nights and severe mood swings. I did find talking to counsellors helpful but the university only offer so many free sessions and they are expensive. After trying calming exercises, even yoga and breathing exercises I finally found something that really worked for me!

And where did I find this... In a Netflix show called the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt! 

It seems like a really random place to find something that helps my panic attacks, but it was a small piece of advice Kimmy gave to someone who was at the time panicking. 

If you can survive 10 seconds doing something you don't want to do, then you can do it for the rest of your life. The example in the show was when Kimmy who was kept in a bunker underground for 14 years, and had to turn a 'mysterious' crank... she did it for 10 seconds and then another and then another. When each 10 seconds is up you start with a new 10 seconds. At first I thought it was silly but then I gave it a try and it really worked. Not only for when I'm having a panic attack but when I'm jogging, or when I'm writing an assignment that looks endless or when I'm in a place that I just don't want to be. It really works.

I'm not saying it will help and work for everyone but give it a go. Next time you are doing something you hate or feeling a panic attack come on just give Kimmy Schmidt’s advice a go.

REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ALONE! 

Please talk to someone.

https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/ ---- this website has fantastic information!

love yah 

IsThataRedHerring 

I don't know what to do when I graduate

Like so many students, I am entering the last few months of University, and it has dawned on me that I have zero idea of what I want to do when I leave. I have toyed around with many ideas in the past few years. At the beginning of University I was torn between being a primary school teacher or a social worker. That did not seem to change until the summer of 2014, I had just finished second year and entering my third year, and I thought to myself 'Hell no am I becoming a teacher', but I still loved the idea of becoming a social worker. So I set my mind of becoming a social worker. However, when I came back to university in September and attended a postgraduate open evening, I was really shocked and overwhelmed by the idea of becoming a social worker. There were not many spaces and they wanted at least one years’ experience within the area of social work, and I felt that my small experience would not be enough at all.

Then December came, which was a terribly bad month for me. I had just recovered from the mumps, an operation and an infection (but that is another story). In the month that I took out from University, several ideas ran through my head; and I really wanted to become a midwife, I have no idea why or where this came from, but all of a sudden I was researching, ringing and asking loads of questions about how to come an midwife. But really it meant a new three year course and I didn't really want to spend another three years in education, so I scrapped that idea.

Over the December period I made myself a one year plan, something that seemed doable but still gave me something to aim for.

1.      Hand in all work on time

2.      Celebrate finishing

3.      Go on a small holiday

4.      Celebrate 21^st birthday

5.      Return back to Weatherspoon’s, get enough money to pay off all debts.

6.      Start to learn to drive

7.      Pass text around December time

8.      Start looking for a full time job

Although I feel that this is a reasonable idea I am not sure I want to go back to kitchen work. So still struggling with ideas, a flyer came from my door, my mum picked it up and simply said ‘You’d be good as a carer’. And that really got me thinking. Maybe I could do that, I really thought about it and it made more sense to me. I could work a lot closer to home, saving on money expenses for travelling, there are plenty of care homes near me. But I do not see myself doing that as a full career. I’d really like to either go into Dentistry or work with children and young adults with special needs. I know I know they are completely different ideas and sectors to work in and for, but I have real interest in both areas.

So as you can see I still have zero idea on my future, nothing at all is set in stone as of yet, except the growing older part. I am enjoying being young and not have to worry about grown up stuff. But I know every day I am becoming closer and closer to having to decide what to do after University.

I am sure there are plenty of people stood in my shoes. I hope you aren’t as confused as I am.

Love yah 

IsThataRedHerring